Im Sorry
by WeevilFanGirl
Summary: Kabuto Yakushi reflects over his life and all the pain he has suffered through. WarningAbuse and Suicide, One Shot I wrote when i was really depressed


Kabuto Yakushi was one of the greatest ninja in all of Otogakure if not the entire world. He had everything that any shinobi could ever dream of. A place of power, skills that could match a sannin any day of the week, genius, not to mention a mysterious attractive quality about him that made both men and women stare. Yes he had everything any ninja would dream of. Any ninja but him.

Despite what everyone thought of him from his smart ass cocky exterior Kabuto couldent hide it from himself, that all his life he had known nothing but pain and rejection. Despite everything he said and did to ignore it, it cut like a knife, a knife that had been slowly pushed into his chest day by day all his life.

_Im sorry…_

He laid quietly in his masters bed silently listening to the sannin just beyond the room door, the snake ninja unaware of his presence. He shut his eyes quietly hearing the soft crooning hiss, knowing all to well that, that beautiful hiss was meant for the Uchiha's ears and not his own. As he lost himself in the darkness of his mind he could feel his body drift away, the ability to let his mind drift away something he learned early in his life. As his mind drifted however he could do nothing to block out that hiss, that brought up so many other times where he was not enough.

_Im sorry for everything…_

It all started from day one. He of course did not remember the day first hand of being born, but the story had been told to him as a cruel reminder time and time again. 'Your mother died giving birth to you, what would she say' Memory of his father was vague, though he did always remember how often he'd slap him in the face with that cruel reminder when ever he was angry or upset with him. 'She died giving birth to you and that's how you thank her!?'

_Im sorry for what a son I am…_

The family he remembered most was his twin brother Yamato, born only about five minutes before he was and still was the obvious 'big' brother. Kabuto's father was a fighter, kabutos mother from what he had heard about her was a fighter, his brother was a born fighter, Kabuto however, was no fighter. His time was spent in books and study, not on the battlefield. He was always second best if even that in his fathers eyes to Yamato. 'Why cant you be more like Yamato just for once?' No it was never 'why cant you be more like your brother kabuto?' because that would be bringing Yamato to the level of being related to someone weak, someone like him.

_Im sorry Im so weak…_

Chuunin at age 5, killed at 6. 'Why did he have to die?' his now perpetually drunken father would scream smacking the young Kabuto across the room. 'Why couldn't it of been you instead of Yamato?' He knew why. Because he was no shinobi, he had no strength, he wouldn't be good enough to be Chuunin if he were 10. 'It should have been YOU, you worthless sorry excuse of a child!'

_Im sorry you lost your son…_

Blood. The only smell in the air was blood. No there was smoke, and fire…and death. He looked around the place he didn't even recognize even though he'd been living there all his life. Everyone he knew. Everyone he'd grown up with the last 7 years, lay in the rubble that was once his homeland, dead, a few alive barely but dying. Despite everything, despite the sorrow he knew he should be feeling, despite the regret he was suppose to be going through for being the last alive, despite the agony that ought to have been present knowing that while he cowered in a hidden safe room in his home, the rest of Kikyo Pass was being slaughtered the young child wandered the should be familiar empty streets with a blank expression upon his face. The knife had pressed so deep into the seven year old that he no longer could show pain, it was just an every day occurrence right. Even as he glanced over to his dying father cursing that he's glad he was going to now be with Yamato again the blank glazed look did not change.

_Im sorry Im not brave…_

A medic named Yakushi had taken him in, though he was hardly a father. The term for him was a trainer. 'you'll be a fine medical ninja one day' he'd always say when he couldent catch on to what was being taught. Kabuto knew better, he knew what he really meant 'your so pathetic, why cant you do any better' He did gain skill, that most would be frightened of from someone his age. But the words never changed always 'you'll be a fine medical ninja one day' He knew that meant he never expected him to. Even if he did, it would only be a 'fine' medic, never someone with any significant skills.  
_  
Im sorry Im not good enough…_

As the years went by the false pretenses faded away. Neither his trainer nor Kabuto pretended that they liked each other any longer. They always scowled when they saw one another, they always spoke cruel words. 'Your lab's such a goddamn mess all the time Kabuto!' "I know where stuff is I don't give a damn how it looks!" 'Clean this fucking shit up now!' Shit. His stuff was shit. His room was shit. He knew deep down even then that everyone seemed to think he was shit. He cleaned up alright. He cleaned Yakushi's blood up off the floor after he hit him so hard with his chakra it caused the older man's heart to bust. Even as the blade cut deeper into him Kabuto still was numb to pain.

_Im sorry im not sane…_

Kabuto Yakushi served the akatsuki loyally. Even before Sasori decided he'd be a fine puppet, even before he was put under the jutsu, Kabuto did as told as numb and as responsive as a marionette, and for the first time in his life he could feel the blade being pulled away from him.

_Thank you, for giving me reason…_

He knew he was being used when he was sent to Orochimaru to spy. He knew he wasn't being told anything when he was 'given' to the sannin as something as a parting gift from the Akatsuki. He supposed he should find it sick that, that made him happy but for the first time in his life he now was needed for something. No this was not what made him happy. For once it was his turn to hurt, it was his turn to betray. He knew why Orochimaru had left the akatsuki, he had told him why before he left. He seemed so sure to give Kabuto what ever he dreamed of if he came with him and betrayed Sasori when he released the jutsu, so betray he did.

_For once im not sorry, for being disloyal…_

He was the symbol of everything to him, that Orochimaru. No one else had spoken to him so kindly and gently. No one had ever bothered to try to love Kabuto in any sense of the word. No one but Orochimaru. Despite his urges to keep himself from thinking it he knew that he needed Orochimaru. He needed him to feel purpose, to have someone to understand, and on occasion to hide behind the wings of. Despite everything he could not deny that he was willing to do anything for the man, and he was proud of it, and was for once able to no longer feel the cold metal of a blade on his chest.

_Im sorry I took so long to find you…_

Over time however, the same thing that had taken the blade away from him at last, kabuto found to be nailing it back into him harder then ever. He found himself loving Orochimaru more then any right hand man should love their master. He found himself dreaming of that sannin gracing his unworthy body with his own. He knew it would never be, and found himself cursing himself for ever dreaming such fantasies.

_Im sorry I love you…_

Kabuto now began to realize why he had always had the urge to start something with his trainer Yakushi. He needed the pain. At least when his father was hitting him he knew he existed. At least then he was paying attention to him. Now how he longed the same of Orochimaru. Even if it was in the form of being tortured by that man at least he was focused on him and only him. He'd willing become his masters venting place when ever something went wrong, he never thought twice of letting Orochimaru spill his blood for the sannin's sake. He was a medic after all, he could just heal himself right? Still he knew the Sannin would never love him the way he did, this idea only enforced when it was a boy named Sasuke whom he'd always speak of which only dug the blade deeper then it ever went before, going past the point of being numb and he once more knew what real pain was.

_Im sorry I ever trusted you…_

Day after day it was sasuke who was spoken off, day after day it was about killing the Hokage. How kabuto wished for it to end but oh how he regretted it once it did end. Because when it ended His master had been hurt. He should have been there to take his place. It should have been his life taken not his Orochimaru's arms. He cursed himself and beat himself for not being there. What had he been doing that was so damn important that he let his love get hurt this way? He was off playing mind games with Kakashi. Orochimaru was in pain and it was his fault

_Im sorry I wasn't there for you…_

Sasuke finally got his ass to the village, and now Orochimaru had to wait because Kabuto had insisted he did the body transfer right away. If only he had enough sense to wait just a few more days, he could of given him enough healing chakra to keep him strong enough to do the transfer for a few days and then he could transfer then and there. Once more Orochimaru's plans seemed to wither away at his own hands, and blood poured from that blade.

_Im sorry Im such a goddamn idiot…_

Five years have passed since Sasuke arrived, Five long years and Orochimaru had grown more and more distant from Kabuto, and closer and closer to Uchiha. It was Two years beyond the time Orochimaru HAD to wait to do the body transfer. Kabuto knew to much, ignorance was a luxury Kabuto did not have. Orochimaru loved the Uchiha, and sasuke loved anyone who could give him power. He had lost everything. He'd suffered so long only to have the single thread keeping the blade from destroying him sliced by the sick hand of pain.

_Im sorry, I ever lived……_

…

Orochimaru pushed the door to his room obviously pissed off, a hand around Sasuke's throat hissing cold warnings about his place in the village only coming to a stop when he looked up and saw something very wrong.

Kabuto Yakushi, his right hand man, his best medic if not best shinobi, was laying curled up on his bed as if sleeping. At first This is what the sannin thought the case was, until he saw the blood. He looked to kabuto and saw him laying in blood covered sheets his eyes closed as if in a serene dream. He blinked quietly seeing the hand clutching the dagger, dug deep into the boys chest, deep into his now still heart.

Orochimaru slowly approached the body of the silver haired boy without a sound, taking a small slip of paper that was between the fingers of his other hand uncrumpling it just enough to make out what had been written upon it

'_Im sorry I came between you and your dreams, At least now I can be out of your way-Kabuto'_

He looked at the note silently reading it over a second and third time. Briefly noticing the fact that Kabuto gave himself no name besides his first, as if even in his final moments he thought of himself as nothing more then that he sat on the edge of the bed eyes closed solemnly as he stuffed the suicide note into one pocket looking for something, his other hand stroking the deceased males hair rather absently. He found what he was looking for pulling out a small black box looking at a diamond ring inside of it.

'You weren't in the way Kabuto, I long given up my dreams for you…I'm sorry I didn't once say how much I loved you.'

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. o.o.o.o.o.o

Yeah I was really pissed off when I started writing this but about ¾ of the way through I finally calmed down but I figured I had to finish it. Just a very depressing One-shot I felt like writing, yeah I had a moment of being Emo so sue me. I Had the ending be a lot more sappy then I initially meant it to at least.


End file.
